One Year Ago This Week...

One year ago this week we found out that I was pregnant from our first IVF cycle. I'm not usually sentimental about small milestones, but this time it feels appropriate to reflect.

We are so very thankful to have made it through pregnancy and delivery relatively unscathed. We are eternally grateful for our wonderful family and friends who supported and encouraged us along the way. We are ecstatic that baby Eli is healthy and thriving...

Thanksgiving day outfit change... one of many 'cause I like to throw up most of what I eat.

Also, adjusting to life with a baby is really, really hard.

I understand better than most just how fortunate we are to be able to stand here today with our perfect, beautiful baby. And I get that it could be so much harder -- we are extremely lucky that I carried him to full term and we avoided the hell of coping with a baby in the NICU. I'm thrilled that he didn't inherit my heart defect or any serious medical problems for that matter...

But wow, we were so focused on getting a baby, we were totally unprepared for actually raising one. I spent the first few months of Eli's life torn up with guilt about how hard I found all of the changes. I thought I understood exhaustion before; as it turns out I had no idea. I thought breastfeeding would be the most natural, easiest thing in the world; nothing prepared me for the excruciating pain at first and then later the frustration of having a baby who didn't nurse well. I assumed I would fall in love with Eli at first sight and adore every moment I spent with him; however there was very little I found loveable about a constantly crying baby I couldn't seem to soothe.

A year ago, I was convinced that finally having my own baby would instantly erase all of the grief and sadness from my 5 failed pregnancies. Today, I understand that there's nothing easy about living with a baby and depression doesn't just lift overnight. I was shocked to discover that finally having my dream come true actually made me more depressed. Every time Eli cried (which was a lot), I cried too. I thought maternity leave would be a time of wonder and discovery while I got to know my baby, but in reality I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to find it very enjoyable. I know some women find the newborn stage amazing and fulfilling, but I'm not one of them. I wanted to love it more than anything especially given my history, and I despised myself for feeling miserable instead.

I'm so fortunate to have family who helped me get through the dark days. Tracy and Dave, thanks again for being there for me every night while Chad was overseas and I felt like I was drowning. Mom and Dad, thank you so much for making it possible for Eli and I to stay with you in Connecticut for a few weeks. Jacque, Nicole, and Shelley, thank you for sharing your stories and helping me feel less alone. Chad, I love you so much for everything you do to make my life easier (and especially for taking over the night shift so I can get more sleep!) All of you helped me regain my perspective so I was finally able to bond with my baby.

Eli and my mom at the end of our CT visit in October

This week, Eli is 4 months old. For the past month, things have been so much better. We made it through the ordeal of sleep training (thanks, Dr. Ferber) and now he frequently sleeps through the night, in his own room. He is full of smiles and adorable baby giggles. His face lights up in delight when we greet him after a nap. Finally, finally I have completely fallen for him. Picking him up from day care is the best part of my day.

Playing on his activity mat a couple of weeks ago

Eli may never be an easy child, but I'm okay with that now. He's perfect as he is and I can't imagine life without him. As Jeff Atwood said in his blog, raising a child is 49% the most incredible pain in the ass and 51% the most sublime joy you've ever felt. It's the 1% that makes all the difference.

Smiling at Tracy last weekend during our holiday photo shoot. Thanks again, Tracy!

Quick Eli Update

I apologize for not writing sooner, but as you can imagine, life has gotten a LOT more hectic! Chad and I are getting the hang of things, but it's a slow process. We are extremely grateful to everyone who has been helping us get through the last four weeks: Chad's parents, my sister and her fiance, and of course my parents. I don't know how we'd cope without them! My mom in particular has been a life saver and we can't thank her enough for being willing to stay a few weeks longer to help us out.


It's already been a month since Eli was born, and he's doing great overall. He's frequently fussy, which has made it difficult to find time to write or do anything other than care for him. He's eating a ton and gaining weight and was up to 8lbs 1 ounce at his 2 week checkup. We're guessing he's probably close to 10 pounds now as he's already wearing 3 month clothes. We have good days and bad days; nights where he sleeps 4.5 - 5 hours at a time, and nights where he barely makes it past 2 hours. We can't wait for his schedule to even out more.

I'm planning to write a detailed account of our birth story complete with pictures since Tracy was brave enough to photograph it. Hopefully I'll have a chance to write it within the next month or so. I've included a few of Eli from the photo shoot Tracy did when he was 5 days old to tide you over for now.

Eli's Birth Stats:

Full Name: Eli Anderle Verrall
Birthday: August 5th, 2011, 12:54 PM
Birth Weight: 6 lbs, 14 ounces
Length: 19.5 inches
Eye color: Dark Blue (we suspect they will change to brown)
Hair: straight, dark brown
Apgar Score: 9 (out of 10)
Labor length: 11 hours + 20 minutes of pushing
Epidural: Yes
Days in hospital: 2.5

August 5th: induction!

It's officially delivery day! I'm lying in my hospital bed, iv in one arm, blood pressure cuff on the other, getting antibiotics, fluids, and pitocin to induce labor. Two monitors are strapped to my belly, one to track the baby's heart rate and one to measure contractions. We've been here since midnight. Our lovely nurse, Nicole, comes in every 30 minutes to take my blood pressure and increase the pitocin.

We should have a good idea by 6 am how things are going to go. I came in at 3 cm dilated and 60% effaced after having lots of (painful) early labor contractions for the past 3 days. Despite the pitocin, I don't think I'm in an active labor pattern yet. I'm having lots of contractions, but they don't seem to be all that regular. I'm uncomfortable, but it's not unbearable. So far so good!

It's interesting that I already started dilating on my own. Dr. P. said she wouldn't expect me to go much longer naturally even if we hadn't planned on inducing labor. I was still fairly comfortable up until Tuesday, however once the painful contractions began that morning, I was totally ready to serve Eli an eviction notice.

I'll write another update tomorrow after the baby is here!

Final stats:
Gestational age: 38 weeks, 2 days
Weight: Dr. P's guess is 7 lbs
Vegetable comparison: watermelon
My total weight gain: 13 lbs

Maternity Photos

I apologize for not posting photos of myself until now -- I'm generally not a big fan of having my picture taken. However, Tracy and Dave were extremely generous and patient with us and offered to do a maternity photo shoot a couple of weeks ago. I'm really happy with the photos. Thank you guys so much!!

Here are a few of my favorites:

Everything continues to go well. I'm off work this week and enjoying my last few days of relaxation. I'll update again on Thursday with the final stats before my induction later than evening (!!).

36 weeks

I find it pretty incredible that I made it to the ninth month of pregnancy!

I'm happy to say that I'm still feeling pretty good overall. I'm still working full time and probably would continue all the way until my delivery date if my parents weren't coming into town the week before. Since I'd like to spend a little time with them while I'm still independent, my last day of work will be July 29th. I also get my 5 year service award that day, which is a full size, steel sword. Pretty cool!

Today's appointment went fairly well. Baby Eli cooperated with the monitoring session for once, however I had 5 contractions within 30 minutes. Dr. P. ended up checking me to see if the contractions were actually causing any cervical changes (and thus if I was experiencing, or at risk of pre term labor). As it turns out, I'm still closed up tight, so the likelihood of early labor is slim. Unfortunately, that also means that my induction will likely be fairly lengthy unless something changes in the next two weeks...

I also got my prescription for heparin injections today. I'll switching to that twice a day until delivery. We've decided that I will not go back on blood thinners after birth since Dr. P. feels that bleeding complications with my uc outweigh the slight risk of developing a clot.

As far as preparations go, we are just about ready! Baby clothes are washed, hospital bags are packed, car seat is purchased... I have two pediatrician appointments lined up since we have to choose one before the birth. Other than that, we're just in waiting mode.

Today's Stats

Gestational age: 36 weeks, 1 day
Weight: 5 lbs, 14 ounces
Percentile: 33rd
Heart rate: 157 bpm
My weight gain: 12 pounds
Weeks until delivery: 2!
Weeks left of work: 1